Lately, I’ve been listening to the podcast “The Shit No One Tells You About Writing” and writing/editing my own work. Because of that, I haven’t read very many books lately. So, I was so glad that this book would be my return to reading and reviewing books. I first found out about Gay the Pray Away from Instagram because I follow the author, an audiobook narrator. In addition to excerpts from the books she has narrated, Natalie also posts about her family and studio set-up. I first started following her after seeing one of her mock ‘Captain’s Log’ videos. In these she does the Star Trek ‘Captain’s Log’ but about her children instead, calling them ‘junior crew members.’
I knew I wanted to read this book from the title alone, but actually didn’t realize Natalie had written the book until her third post about it offering signed copies. I pre-ordered the book on Audible that day. I love it when an author reads their book, so getting a professional audiobook narrator reading her own book was a no-brainer. Gay the Pray Away is an intimate story about growing up queer in a Christian fundamentalist cult and how the main character discovering their sexuality is the key to recognizing the toxic behaviors of the community she grew up in.
I don’t like to give spoilers, but this little spoiler is given on the book blurb, so I think it’s okay. I’ll quote the part of the blurb: “Now Valerie must choose between staying with a family that will never accept her, or running away with the girl she loves.” In a nutshell, Valerie Danners comes upon a queer book at the library one day. It is the first time she has even seen the word bisexual. But all her life, Valerie has known that there was something different about her. Valerie steals the book because she can’t risk her family finding out about it.
I found Gay the Pray Away beautifully bittersweet. The saddest part about the book is that it was written about the author’s own experiences. The fact that children are growing up in these environments in which being different means ostracization and losing their family is heartbreaking. There are instances of ‘off the page’ abuse in which it is not explicitly described but as the reader, you and Valerie both know what is happening.
Shortly after finding the queer literature, Valerie begins the journey of self-discovering who she really is. This includes meeting other members that have been ostracized because they loved the wrong person, meeting a girl that she falls for, and starting to challenge the strange behaviors that are required of her. As part of this Christian fundamentalist organization, The Institute, Valerie has been taught that girls don’t go to college (because there they can be radicalized by the gay agenda), a woman’s purpose is to birth and raise a family, and that her father and eventually her husband is the extension of god’s authority. Adding a little more complication is the fact that Valerie is biracial in an almost exclusively white community. Members of The Institute that are BIPOC are thrust into the spotlight as a way to prove the group is accepting.
Valerie’s romance with Riley is so perfect in every way. They are both dealing with the rules of The Institute and know that they are B.S. Riley is a little more attuned to the cultish nature of the group and opens Valerie’s eyes to the things that are wrong with the way she’s being brought up. With such a perfect romance, one would think there is no tension, but because of the book blurb and knowing media, I knew eventually everything would come crashing down. I spent the entirety of the pages where they were together enjoying the beauty of their relationship and fearing for them being found out. Natalie Naudus was brilliant in the way she wrote this. I’ve never experienced tension coming from a lack of tension before.
I’ve recommended this book to most everyone I know. They only people I haven’t recommended this book to are people coming out of trauma recently because it might be triggering. If you’re a fan of sapphic romances, this is the book for you. If you’re interested in how cults operate and how hard it is to break away from them, this is the book for you. If you’re just a general lover of literature, this is a book you should read. Although classified as YA, this book is in the new genre of YA in which very serious themes are discussed and explored.
I never reach out to authors about the books they write, but I sent an email to Natalie Naudus after I read this book. I thought it was brilliantly written, so tender, and yet filled me with angst for the entirety of the read. It was definitely a book I had trouble putting down. Natalie actually wrote me back thanking me for my kind words. It’s always great for a first time author to hear how impactful their work was. I wonder if I, like Valerie, had come upon queer literature growing up whether I would have come out of the closet sooner.
I never cry while reading books. I felt on the verge of tears for most of listening to this book (happy and worried). Toward the end, I finally cried. This book is a ten out of ten and I hope Natalie continues to write amazing fiction like this. If you want to support first-time authors, please buy this book (or get the audiobook for an even greater experience).
If you don’t follow Natalie Naudus, she can be found on Instagram @natalienaudus